A mom in my office said it perfectly last week:
“He wants attention every second. If I look away for one minute, he’s whining or yelling or doing something dramatic to get me back. It’s like he can’t just be okay for a moment, without demanding me or my attention.”
And she’s not alone. Across the board-from toddlers to teens-we’re seeing kids trapped in an endless loop of seeking attention. And not just any attention. It has to be now. Instant. Intense. And it better come with a side of praise or excitement. Oh yes, I forgot. And, “Give me attention now, and also give me what I want when I demand it.”
We live in a culture where the mind is constantly seeking. And yet, despite all the comforts, the gadgets, the opportunities-we’re more miserable than ever. Rates of anxiety, depression, and emotional dysregulation are exploding in children, teens, and adults alike.
Why? One answer might be: Our minds? Too full.
Our hearts? Too empty.
The Overfed Mind Can’t Find Peace
We mistakenly believe that if we just give kids more-more praise, more attention, more answers, more talk, more guidance, more support, more screen time, more activities, more stimulation-they’ll eventually feel better.
But that’s the lie. Instead, the over-wanting mind becomes an addict. It craves the next thing, then the next…and then the next. For young children, it often centers around attention. If a child whines and gets attention? The mind learns: That worked!
However, for a teen, the desired source of attention usually changes. Thus, If a teen posts a selfie and gets likes? That worked too! And the cycle repeats.
Before long, we’re not parenting a child. We’re parenting a craving. Please remember this!
This craving doesn’t come from the heart. It comes from the busy, restless mind-always watching, comparing, judging, demanding. And when we feed it, it grows stronger. This is all about a dopamine driven brain, where immediate needs dictate the internal state of mind – always.
The result? Children who are never content. Teens who are constantly chasing digital approval. Families who have everything, except happiness.
When the Mind is Full, the Heart is Empty
Here’s the hard truth: You can’t fill a heart by stuffing the mind.
Joy doesn’t come from “what’s next.” It comes from what’s now. And yet, the modern world teaches the exact opposite. Attention is currency. Speed is success. Activity equals value.
But emotionally? It’s relatively bankrupt.
When the mind is full of wanting, judging, demanding and complaining (mostly what we see on every news program) – there’s no room for joy. No room for satisfaction. The heart gets pushed to the sidelines. And with that comes the emptiness so many families feel today.
The Heart Thrives As the Mind Quiets in this Moment
This isn’t philosophy. It’s biology. The nervous system cannot thrive in a constant state of alert. Children cannot regulate emotions when their minds are hijacked by the next demand for attention. Teens can’t feel satisfied when they scroll for five hours and still feel invisible.
The answer isn’t more. The answer is less. Less noise. Less urgency. Less instant gratification.
To fill the heart, we can begin to quiet the mind.
Real Practices That Calm the Mind & Feed the Heart
Here’s how we begin to shift the pattern:
1. Stop Feeding the Demanding, Negative, Needy Mind
When your child is whining, complaining, or being dramatic-pause. Don’t rush in. Don’t feed the fire. The demanding mind wants your energy. Save it. Respond later, calmly, when the storm has passed.
2. Give Presence, Not Performance
Children need presence. Just you. Your attention, without a device. A moment of eye contact. A few quiet minutes together. This nourishes the heart. But the timing of this matters! We give our full presence to moments that will feed our child’s heart. Moments when they are laughing, creating, loving, playing and simply… being kids.
3. Celebrate What Fills the Heart.
There is already much to fill the mind. So instead, pause to be appreciative of moments of beauty, courage, inspiration and love. There are plenty of examples of this, when we actually pause to seek out these moments, and share them with our children.
4. Model Mental Rest
If your phone is always in hand and your mind always racing, your child learns that life = stimulation. Put down the phone, turn off the TV and show your family that all is well without that distraction. Be okay with silence. Let them see it’s safe to slow down.
5. Create Rituals of Heart-Based Living
Bedtime stories. Morning hugs. Walks without phones. A hike without a destination. A canoe trip without music or chatters. These rituals aren’t old-fashioned—they’re essential. They help children feel loved and whole without needing a performance or a prize.
Remember: We are feeding the heart – not the mind.
In the End, “Why So Miserable?”
Because we’ve mistaken a full mind for a heart that is full. Full of love, joy, satisfaction, peace and acceptance.
We’ve given our kids everything—except the ability to be at peace within themselves. And it’s not because we’re bad parents. It’s actually the opposite. We have tried too hard, and listened to too many ‘busy minds’ telling us how to stay busy. And yes, the world is loud, fast, and relentless. But the good news? We can step back.
We can choose to pause. We can teach stillness. We can stop feeding every mental craving and start feeding the heart.
And when we do, something beautiful happens. The anxiety eases. The neediness fades. The emptiness shrinks. And in its place, emerges a child-calmer, more grounded, and… dare I say… genuinely happier.
At Capital District Neurofeedback, we support families on this journey. For children stuck in that overactive loop of attention-seeking and emotional chaos, it’s often a brain issue-not just a behavior issue. Neurofeedback helps quiet the mind, so the heart can finally speak.
And when the heart speaks? That’s when the real magic begins.
