Have you noticed the last time you talked to someone out of their opinion or perspective? How about an issue with your child, where you argued over what was the right thing?
Now, you can undoubtedly browbeat someone into submission or even bribe them to relent on their view, but did your perspective change their perspective?
Humans Love to Be Right…But Only 100% of the Time!
First, let’s return to my questions above. How often has your ‘right idea’ become their ‘right idea’? Let’s agree that it rarely happens unless they are already in your ‘camp.’
So why are we so inclined to continue and on? If you are honest, you realize that many of our upsets and drama as a species stem from the need to be right about something. This tragic fault is a massive part of the challenge that comes with cooperative human relationships, as often there can be major disagreement about what is or was right. The language of I am right, and you are wrong, takes many forms. Here are a few examples:
- You did say that. I heard it myself. (No. I did not say that.)
- I’m sorry, but that is a stupid idea. (No, it’s not. And that’s insulting.)
- I told you to get that while you were out. (No, you did not.)
- You should not eat that. (I will eat it. I love it. Just leave me alone.)
- The doctor told you to exercise more. Why don’t you do it? (I don’t feel like it now.)
- She should understand how I think/feel! (Well, I don’t get it at all. It makes no sense to
me.) - Son, you can’t keep leaving your shoes by the door. (Okay, Mom.) [nothing changes]
- Why didn’t you do ______? And why not _________? And also you didn’t do ________!
Of course, these are just a few examples of what could escalate into a much bigger argument or battle. Unfortunately, one or the other may carry resentment for years when strong opinions/judgments about what the other ‘should’ do are expressed. Equally problematic is labeling a child, partner, or friend as ‘wrong’ while I am ‘right.’
So Why Do We Need to Be Right So Often?
Many of us were raised in a world where parents could never acknowledge faults or take responsibility for a mistake. They would defend their position regardless of the costs to others they love. They would yell, fight, scream, and call each other’s names, fighting for their ‘right’ position. Other homes might not have been so dramatic, and yet, the constant sense of judgment was present, with mom putting down or correcting dad or vice versa.
There is also the layer of how Mom or Dad responded when they disagreed with you, or you made a mistake. These are critical moments where we discover one or two things: Either: “Everyone makes mistakes, and we all mess up, and everything is okay. You are loved and appreciated, and all is well. It’s not a big deal, sweetheart.”
More commonly, in the face of errors, mistakes or differing opinions, many of us would find heated emotions, strict verbal feedback, and comments often eliciting shame or guilt. We felt judged, small, and abandoned. Thus, we were raised without any sense of psychological safety when being told we were wrong, making mistakes, and that we should have known better. Or we should be doing life differently. In essence, we can’t get it right!
From these experiences, it makes sense that we develop different personalities, all often battling for the ‘rightness’ of things. And, in those battles, we are often losing relationships and a sense of intimacy.
Do You Need to Break This Pattern?
Most chronic advice-givers, family gossipers, and overall know it all’s will not be likely to read this article and are even more unlikely to understand the damage that is chronically done to those around them. Why? Because, in their minds, they are right!
And the possibility of being wrong is too disturbing to contemplate on many levels.
So, what’s the answer? Start with the only human being you can really influence, and that is you. Whether you are the giver of advice or the recipient of someone’s well-intentioned advice, be willing just to let it go. You need not express all the thoughts that arise!
When told what you should do, just acknowledge, and let it go. When told you are wrong, again, the same advice… let it go. When you get ready to lecture your kids again, just let it go.
Why let it go? Simple: You aren’t going to win or change their mind… ever!
Instead of being right about things, consider finding peace with the way the world is at this moment, and abandon the fallacy that your words will change it!
How Do You DO That?
One option is the quite simple time travel question. You pause for a moment and imagine yourself a week or a month later in a completely different setting. Then, be brutally honest about how important this comment or retort will be at that time.
This is a simple but elegant method to bring down the urgency to react.
