Parents often show up in my office mentally, emotionally, and physically tired. Not because they’re doing too little, but because they’re doing too much. Too much talking, too much coaxing, too much explaining, too much rescuing, too much… everything. And despite all this effort, things aren’t improving. In fact, they’re often getting worse. The kids are more demanding, not more respectful. More anxious, not more confident. More emotionally reactive, not calmer. More dependent, not independent.
This came up just this week when a parent called for help with her 17-year-old daughter. She was still giving directions, reminders, and emotional pep talks as if her teen were six. Like many well-meaning parents, she didn’t realize that this constant over-involvement was part of the problem-not the solution.
When “More” Becomes the Problem
It’s a painful irony: the harder we try, the worse things seem to get. This isn’t because these parents aren’t loving, smart, or dedicated. They’ve fallen into the common trap of believing that more control, discussion, and “help” will fix the problem. But in most cases, more is not better-it’s the very thing keeping the chaos alive.
Let’s talk about talking. Most parents believe that their kids will finally listen if they say it right or say it enough times. But the truth is, all that talking usually backfires.
Constant reminders teach your child that it’s your job-not theirs-to keep track of what needs to be done.
Repeated warnings and coaxing show them that you don’t mean what you say the first time. Yelling communicates that they only need to take you seriously when you’re loud or angry. Even the well-meaning pep talks and motivational speeches start to sound like background noise. And coaching? When done daily and unsolicited, it teaches children that you don’t quite trust them to figure things out-or to fail and learn. The more we prod, push, and convince, the less children hear.
The Trap of Giving, Rescuing, and Over-Accommodating
Then there’s the issue of giving. We give treats, toys, privileges, and entertainment-all with the hope that it will smooth over a rough day, boost morale, or keep the peace. But giving more often just creates more cravings, not more satisfaction. Kids adapt quickly to receiving and begin to expect it. What once was appreciated now feels like a right.
Rescuing is another form of “more” that quietly erodes a child’s resilience. When we rush the forgotten lunch to school, clean up the backpack, or fix the science project the night before it’s due, we teach our kids that someone will always bail them out so they don’t have to plan, stay organized, or face discomfort. This may solve a short-term crisis, but long term, it breeds helplessness and entitlement.
Less Can Be a Kindness (When It’s Strategic)
Here’s the hard truth: Most of the time, the real shift comes when we start doing less. Fewer words. Fewer rescues. Fewer emotional bailouts. Less control.
But-and this is essential-doing less requires a plan. Chaos tends to fill the vacuum if we step back without structure, limits, or consistency. When parents decide to stop over-functioning, it’s critical that they’re also tightening up their parenting systems. That means having clear routines. Clear expectations. And most importantly, firm control over the goodies kids care about-whether that’s screen time, car keys, social privileges, or dessert after dinner.
Most importantly, a willingness to take action (in the form of consequences) when children refuse to be cooperative. You can’t just talk less and hope for the best. You must pair your restraint in the constant talking with a calm authority and a system that teaches through consequences, not more words. But it all begins with fewer words.
Let Life Be the Teacher
When parents stop managing every detail, kids start learning. They feel the consequences of not preparing. They discover that frustration doesn’t break them. They learn to self-regulate. They begin to own their mistakes-and their successes. But if they have been protected from these experiences over and over, then there will be some tears, some frustrations, and some anger. Why? Because they are not getting what they want from you.
Growth happens when experience-not reminders-does the teaching.
So first, the drama. Expect this. Okay?
And post-drama, with some time, your home becomes calmer. You’re no longer the full-time referee, tutor, and motivational speaker. You’re simply the parent-steady, loving, and sane. Taking control of things that parents ‘should’ always be controlling. (Which is not the child!)
Of course, doing less can feel uncomfortable at first. You’ll worry. You might feel guilty. But over time, you’ll see that you’re not abandoning your child-you’re equipping them. You’re allowing them to build the mental muscles they’ll need for life.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve been stuck in that exhausting rhythm of doing too much and still not getting the desired results, consider this your invitation to step back. With clarity, structure, and consistency, less really can be more. And if your home needs more calm and focus to make that shift easier, reach out to us at Capital District Neurofeedback. We’re helping anxious, stressed, and panicked brains find a calm and easy path. When brains regulate more naturally, your family moves forward-with less effort and more peace.
Next week, we’ll apply the same principle-doing less and yet getting more-and show how it can transform adult relationships, including marriage, friendships, and family dynamics.
