Many clients arrive to therapy with the mantra: “I just want to understand my anxiety/my trauma/my procrastination.” And then add, “I want to get to the bottom of it.”
It sounds reasonable. We examine our worries, fears, mistakes, and problems because we believe understanding will bring relief. We ask why we feel this way, why this happened, and why we cannot seem to change. Surely the right explanation will finally set us free. And unfortunately, we mental health professionals have often promoted such strategies.
But consider the results. Have these investigations brought lasting change, or have you repeated essentially the same questions thousands of times? The mind offers a familiar promise: “This time, I will figure it out.” Somehow, yesterday’s exhausting investigation disappears from consideration, and we begin again.
Your mind does not respond to endless analysis like a physics problem or a broken engine. Identifying a failed engine part can lead directly to a repair. Repeatedly investigating an anxious thought can produce more anxious thoughts. Reflection has value when it informs a useful choice; endless digging can become the habit keeping you stuck.
Imagine Waking Up in a Deep Hole
You awaken at the bottom of a very deep hole. Far above, you see daylight. Along the wall are steps leading toward the opening, perhaps ten thousand of them. Climbing out will take days of climbing, resting, and climbing again. You cannot reach the top today, but you can begin.
Beside you sits a very smart computer. It has no internet connection and cannot summon help, but it can offer endless explanations. You begin asking: “How do people end up in holes like this? Why me? Do I deserve this? Why has my life turned out this way?”
The computer generates possibilities, and you consider every one. Some seem insightful; others raise more questions. Eventually, you are exhausted, so you sleep. Tomorrow, you return to the computer, certain that one more question might reveal the answer.
Days pass. You understand more theories about holes, yet you remain at the bottom. Meanwhile, the steps are still there. Which do you choose for your life: another day investigating the hole, or beginning the climb?
What NOT to Do
Notice the choices that keep you seated beside that computer:
- Don’t confuse repeatedly explaining your pain with changing your life.
- Don’t treat every anxious thought as a question requiring an answer.
- Don’t dig through old mistakes hoping self-punishment will produce peace.
- Don’t wait for fear to disappear before taking a step.
- Don’t demand a perfect solution before accepting a small improvement.
Repeatedly digging into what you do not want can keep your attention trained on anxiety. You become increasingly alert to its presence, checking, comparing, and analyzing. The investigation occupies more of your life, while the life you want receives less attention. There is little freedom in that pattern. Your time and attention are too precious to keep repeating it.
What To-Do Instead: The Better Feeling Moment Ahead
The change begins with a conscious decision, followed by practice:
- Choose consciously to accept that this endless search for understanding is a waste of your life. You have asked these questions thousands of times. If the investigation keeps returning you to the same place, decide to stop giving it another day.
- Allow the discomfort of that choice to settle in. Leaving a familiar mental habit can feel unsettling, even irresponsible. You may never have stood here before, choosing to leave the question unanswered. Give yourself time to experience that unfamiliar ground.
- Allow the anxiety, fear, or problem feeling to be right where it is. Nothing needs to change immediately. Discover that you can experience discomfort and still take a useful step. Digging endlessly or running from fear can feed the false story that you cannot handle it. Practice discovering your strength.
- Consider what you want to feel or experience instead, within reach. Perhaps a little more ease, connection, enjoyment, or confidence. Ask, “What could help me experience a small piece of that today?” Choose something available from where you are standing.
- Focus your attention and energy consistently on thoughts and actions that support the next better-feeling moment. Not the perfect moment. Not the life-changing moment. Just the next better-feeling moment: enjoying a conversation, walking outside, appreciating something good, or completing a meaningful task. Allow improvement without demanding immediate relief.
- Do this every day, and recognize that momentum is your friend. Climb a few steps, rest, and climb again. Some days feel easier than others. Returning to your chosen direction matters more than measuring your feelings after every step.
Begin Where You Are
The next step does not require a complete explanation of your past. It requires a willingness to stop feeding the investigation and invest in a different experience. You can carry some anxiety while you climb. You can rest without returning to the computer.
At Capital District Neurofeedback, we help children and adults facing chronic anxiety, ADHD, and difficulties with attention, sleep, and emotional regulation. Our approach combines qEEG brain mapping, individualized neurofeedback, and practical coaching, with training at home or in our office. Click here to schedule a free consultation.
The steps are there. Will you spend another day explaining the hole, or take the next step toward daylight?
